My Journey to Motherhood

As far as I could remember I yearned to be a mother. Like many little girls I played “mom” and had my children’s names already in mind way even before I even knew what it was like to be a mama. I envisioned myself as a mother one day with a handful of kids (that is certainly not happening over here) and being that mom that everyone loved on television. Come on we all know which ones they are!

When it came to becoming a mother though, it did not come super easily for me. My first pregnancy was an anembryonic pregnancy, which means that a fertilized egg implants itself in the uterus but does not become an embryo. The placenta and embryonic sac form but remain empty. There was no growing baby. None the less, I felt all the symptoms, experienced the positive pregnancy test, and experienced a miscarriage. To me I lost a baby!  Of course, I immediately jumped to conclusions and assumed something was wrong or that I must have done something to not have had a viable pregnancy. (Anembryonic pregnancy: Is extremely common, occurring in up to 20 percent of known pregnancies) Naturally, I was totally overreacting and there was absolutely nothing wrong with either me or David. It just took time.

We were finally able to conceive after 8 months of trying and it might have been the most shocked. I have ever been in my entire life. But at the same time, I was beyond excited for the incredible blessing I was being given to carry my sweet baby, Sofia. With Sofia’s pregnancy I felt like I was constantly waiting for something “bad” to happen to her or me. It felt like I was always bracing for the worse. I could not imagine losing my sweet baby. Yet, I would lie if I said it was not one of my most pressing thoughts my entire pregnancy. We were coming close to 35 weeks when my OBGYN did an ultrasound and discovered that Sofia was breech. At that moment, we were given a couple of choices. We could try to turn her, but it came with many complications that could cause me to go into preterm labor or we could continue to monitor her with weekly ultrasounds to see if she would turn on her own. We were told that if she did not turn the best thing was to deliver her at 37 weeks via c-section. When the words c-section came out the doctor’s mouth I just busted into tears. I knew that we were both at much greater risk by delivering with a c-section, but the doctor reassured us that a planned c-section was much better than an emergency c-section. He told us to take some time and think about our options. We decided we did not want to take the risk of a pre-term labor and we choose we would schedule a c-section for 37 weeks. Sofia did not turn in those two weeks and he checked up to the moment before I was taken into the surgery room. Sofia was born on January 10, 2014 at 5:38 PM weighing 8 pounds 8 ounces and 20 inches long. At 5:38 PM I became a mom for the first time. What a blessing nothing else mattered but my sweet baby girl. As they pulled her out the doctor called out some medical term that we had no idea about. Shortly after they brought her over and explained that Sofia had what was called hip dysplasia which explains why she never turned. Hip dysplasia is the medical term for a hip socket that does not fully cover the ball portion of the upper thighbone. This allows the hip joint to become partially or completely dislocated. Her legs would just flop open like a frog if not held together. As first-time parents we were so scared that she was in pain, but they reassure us that she was not. Shortly after Sofia was placed in a harness for twenty-three hours of day for six weeks. By keeping her legs in a harness, it would allow the hip socket to cover the ball portion of her upper thighbone. While this was not easy it was our only shot at not having Sofia to need surgery at six months where she would be placed in permanent cast for a much longer period of time. After the six weeks, Sofia was doing great, and she was approved for only wearing her harness at night. Eventually, they cleared her and that she did not need to return till she was going into kindergarten! My sweet princess was such a warrior!

When Sofia was nine months of age, I found out I was pregnant for a second time. This time it was a boy! David the third! This pregnancy journey was a little different.  I was experiencing postpartum anxiety and depression, which at that at that time I had no idea. I felt so much guilt for not enjoying this miracle that I had once yearned so much for. This time it came “easy”, no planning and no stress. Yet, I felt so miserable. I loved David so much from the very beginning, but boy did I HATE being pregnant. All the emotions I kept hidden from everyone; my husband, my parents, my best friend, my doctors, EVERYONE! If I could go back in time, I would tell that young mom that these were completely normal emotions and to seek help! There were so many times I contemplated just driving into a tree or the side wall on a concrete barrier. I was so scared and felt so alone! The only thing that held me back was being a mom to Sofia and David. Every single time I thought about them and how selfish I was being. How it would affect them, and I could not bare the fact that I would do that to them.

David was also born via c-section on June 27, 2015 weighing seven pounds, eleven ounces measuring 21 inches. My baby boy was so perfect and so an easy-going baby! Thank goodness because my postpartum journey was about to get a little crazy! Starting with the very first night of our hospital stay I began to have a panic attack thinking that there was something wrong with me medically. I remember walking to the bathroom and freaking out, so I pulled on the nurse call button. When the nurse came I explained how I was feeling, and she walked me back to the bed and told me I was perfectly fine. I tried to assure her that I did not feel “fine”. She basically told me that if I did not calm down, she would have to take David with her. I immediately told her that I would calm down and that there was no need. I asked her if I could go sit and the chair with David. She told me I could, and she left shortly after. I remember I sat in that chair and just held David, sobbing, and praying that this feeling would go away and that I was in fact “fine”. This should have been my first sign that I in fact was not okay.

After the second day at the hospital, I want just to go home! I kept telling myself once I am home and figured out my new routine as a mom of two. Everything would be “fine”. Sofia had already come and met her little brother; let me tell you it was the most precious thing I have ever witnessed in motherhood. That day the doctor came to do his daily check in, and I would not dare to tell him what happened the night before in fear of what would happen with David. I told him that I was ready to go home and when was the soonest I could go home. He told me that if everything remains the same, I could go home the following morning. I did have cold sores caused from the stress of the c-section, so I was told I had to be very careful with David. That night my mom calls me to tell me that Sofia had bumps in her mouth, hands, and feet. My husband takes Sofia to her pediatrician and Sofia was diagnosed with hand, foot, and mouth. Which David could not get because it would most likely be deadly. Sofia had met her brother already. Now I began to panic! The doctor  recommend Sofia stay with grandma till she was no longer contagious. Which we also believed it was the right choice. That was one of the toughest decisions I had to make as mother. I already feared that Sofia would feel like I did not love, or I had abandoned her. I felt terrible for not be there to comfort her and to be exactly what she needed when sick. I felt as I was really failing at motherhood! If I could not keep them safe that what was my purpose here on Earth. I became obsessed with checking David’s temperature and watching him sleep because I believe that if maybe I would catch it early enough than I could get him help before it was too late. Wow, I do not even remember how much time went by till Sofia was all better again and we all reunited, and because from the stress I developed Bells Palsy.

Oh Bells Palsy! You were definitely a lot fun especially because that nurse from the hospital had gotten me  to question myself anything and everything I felt. Yes, I was fine and there was nothing wrong back in the hospital but now every little feeling I tried to write it off. That I was crazy just like at the hospital. My eye kept bothering sort of like when you are developing a syte. I kept asking my husband if he saw anything and he kept telling me no because there was not anything at the time. I am sure that he also thought I was going off the deep end because I kept asking to take David’s temperature and asking him if he looked okay. Thank goodness he had planned his three-week vacation for David’s birth because honestly, I do not know what would of have been of me. That afternoon I remember sitting in David’s room trying to breastfeed him, but that too was a challenge. Breastfeeding this time around was a priority for me because a lactation consult told me “ I gave up to easy with Sofia. If I could see her today, I would have some choice words for her that would not be for PG ears. If you know you know! So here I am feeling like I am having symptoms of a stoke especially because I just had a c-section and I can not feed my child! I can not be with my daughter while sick! I felt so defeated. I made the decision to call my dad and tell him I needed him to take me to hospital and if he could not, I was going to call the ambulance. I just did not know what to do anymore! I walked into our bedroom and told my husband that I was going to hospital and that he would have to give him formula because I could not feed him. He immediately embraced me and told me that everything would be fine and that it did not matter how David was fed.

Immediately arriving to the hospital, they rushed me for a CT scan. Somewhere, in between leaving home and the hospital triage the left side of my face dropped. When the nurse asked me, I said “excuse me, what was the question again? She said, “When did your face drop?” I said, I am sorry I do not know what you are talking about. She pulled out a mirror and to my disbelief it in fact had dropped. I told her I had no idea. Now I am thinking I am having a stoke; a mother of two at the age of twenty-five. Back in emergency room  the doctor explained that he believed it was not a stroke but bells palsy. He prescribed some steroids and told me to follow up with different specialist. What bells palsy did to my self-esteem and the little joy I was having as a mom of two. Was completely ripped from me. I could not drink water without it spilling everywhere, I would bite myself while eating and talking. There was absolutely no leaving house, and I had a difficult time with anyone looking at me.

Shortly after my six weeks checkup. I discovered a lump in left breast I immediately scheduled an appointment with my OBGYN and he then schedule a ultrasound. The findings of the ultrasound was that I had mastitis. The nurse gave me all the tips to dissolve the lump. I tried them ALL. It was just getting worse I called the office of my OBGYN and told them that it was getting worse. She said it was just mastitis and once again gave me ALL tips. I went to a local lactation consult to see if maybe she could help me. She saw it and told me that was not normal and that I needed to be seen by a doctor. I once again called and was dismissed. Back to ER, I went! My second home at this point! That night I went twice to the ER! The first time they used a huge needle and drain out the pus. My breast literally looked like an orange peel ready to burst. They sent me home with antibiotics.

That night I began to shake and spike a fever. I am sure I also had a panic attack and mix of it all. Again, Daddy to the rescue we spent all night in the Emergency. Once again, they prescribed me a different dose of antibiotics and told me to follow up with my doctor. Once the doctor offices opened, I called and explain that I had been to the emergency twice in the last twenty-fours and needed to be seen. They set me up for a same day appointment. Once the doctor saw me, he asked why I had waited so long to contact him and go to the emergency room. I explained that I had called twice before heading to any emergency room and he was livid. He explained that I needed to see a surgeon and gave me a referral for one. I DID NOT want a surgery I finally had both babies with me and now I am going to have another surgery in less than two months! The appointment was on Friday and he wanted me to come back to the office the following morning just to make sure things were heading in the right track. I reluctantly called the surgeon and scheduled an appointment for the following Monday. The following day I went to the doctor for my follow up where he examined me. Minutes after he looked at me and said you need to have surgery as soon as possible the infection is extremely close to reaching your bloodstream. I told him that we should wait till appointment with the surgeon. He then looked at my father and said if she waits till Monday she will die. At that moment I had no choice. If you knew my father than you know that the only place, I was heading to was to the emergency room next door. I then called my husband sobbing with the news that I was having a surgery very soon. He arranged for my mother-in-law to come watch the kids and headed to be with me.

I got admitted to the hospital and seen the surgeon within a couple of hours of arriving. He agreed that I needed surgery within no more than twenty-four hours. He scheduled my surgery for the following morning. The following morning, they wheeled me back to the surgery room and I had the abscesses removed. At that point, Bells Palsy who? My life was now on the line. I remember leaving that hospital so thankful that I had another chance at life, to be with my two babies and husband, to be a daughter, a sister, a friend. Yet, I could not have overcame the struggles or even the joyous moments without my parents, mother-in-law, our siblings, my husband, and more than anyone my babies.

So, when someone asks me what does motherhood mean to me? I like to refer to some of my favorite motherhood quotes below: